Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin muscled past Kyle Larson on a late restart and held on to win the HighPoint.com 400, earning his 50th Cup series victory.
“For the record,” Hamlin said, “I did not cause Alex Bowman to wreck. And for once, I’m going to give Bowman credit, because he did that all by himself.
“Now, I did wreck Kyle Larson. And I understand the crowd’s displeasure with me. And I won’t deny the fans their boos, nor will I deny them their booze.”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Pocono as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.
“I think we all know that if Denny wants something bad enough,” Truex said, “he just takes it. I guess he doesn’t want a Cup championship that bad, then.”
3. Christopher Bell: Bell started fifth and finished sixth at Pocono.
“This race started with Austin Dillon throwing a helmet at Tyler Reddick,” Bell said. “And ended with Kyle Larson throwing shade at Denny Hamlin. I know the fans would rather see drivers throwing punches, but I guess they’ll have to be satisfied with anything being thrown.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Pocono, posting his fifth top 5 of the year.
“My car had the slogan ‘Break 4 Busch” all over it,” Harvick said. “That lets you know it’s for Busch beer. Now, with ‘Hunt Brothers Pizza’ on the car, that slogan would be ‘Break for the bathroom.'”
5. William Byron: Byron started on the pole and led 60 laps, finishing 14th in the HighPoint.com 400 at Pocono.
“You would think I would be an expert at a place called the ‘Tricky Triangle,'” Byron said. “After all, I’m sponsored by Liberty University, where the ‘Tricky Triangle’ is Jerry Falwell, Jr., his wife, and the pool boy.”
6. Kyle Larson: Larson was leading late, but hit the wall battling Denny Hamlin for the lead. The damage slowed Larson’s No. 5 Chevy considerably, and he finished 21st.
“I don’t know what Hamlin was thinking,” Larson said. “I thought we were friends. If he apologizes, I guess we’ll still be friends. If he doesn’t, we won’t. If he wrecks me again, well, that’s another story. So, it’s a case of friend or foe, or mo fo.'”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 21st at Pocono.
“Pocono is a far cry from Mexico,” Busch said. “Speaking of ‘far cry,’ that’s what I did as I wept thousands of miles from home in a Mexican prison.”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney suffered a power issue past the midway point of the race, and lost track position and any chance of winning. Blaney was able to stay on the lead lap and finished 30th.
“My car lost about 100 horsepower,” Blaney said. “That can also be accomplished by letting BJ McLeod drive your car.”
9. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home 13th in the HighPoint.com 400.
“Did Austin Dillon really throw his helmet at Tyler Reddick’s car?” Chastain said. “Is that really a useful way to voice your displeasure? If it was, I’d have the world’s largest helmet collection.”
10. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Pocono, but crashed on a Lap 36 restart, flattening all four tires. He was able to return for a few laps but retired on Lap 48, and finished 35th.
“All was going well up until that point,” Logano said. “My outlook matched the ‘check’ on my car indicating ‘Verizon.’ But that wreck ‘X’d’ me out.”