Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at New Hampshire and took charge after a long rain delay to win the USA Today 301.
“You probably heard that I let it slip that Chase Briscoe is taking over Martin Truex’s No. 19 car next year,” Bell said. “I guess that’s how I got the nickname ‘The Human Press Release.'”
2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at New Hampshire.
“When I heard the race was called the ‘USA Today 301,'” Larson said, “I said, understandably, ‘That’s news to me.'”
Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Loudon and finished 18th.
“I got sent for a spin when Joey Logano locked up his brakes and slid into me on a restart,” Elliott said. “I’m sure Joey didn’t do it on purpose. It was just a careless error on his part. As such, I could ‘care less’ about his apology.”
4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth in the USA Today 301 in a race that was interrupted for several hours due to rain.
“We were in first when the rain started,” Reddick said, “so we would have won had it continued to rain. We were expecting rain and adjusted our strategy accordingly. The weather can change in an instant, and you have to adapt with the same level of speed. It’s called ‘precipitating a change.'”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and finished 24th in the USA Today 301.
“I thought I would be more competitive after the rain delay,” Hamlin said “Oddly enough, as the moisture dissipated, my chances ‘dried up’ as well.”
6. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 10th at New Hampshire.
“Congratulations to Christopher Bell,” Chastain said. “He got a huge lobster for winning the race. And all this time I thought a ‘crustacean’ was what they called people that spent a week in the Loudon campground without a shower.”
7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran up front before a series of miscues late in the race knocked him out of contention for the win. He battled back to finish ninth.
“We had an issue with a tire on a pit stop on lap 188,” Truex said. “The right rear tire wasn’t completely secure, so the jackman had to come back around. In the end, the right rear tire, much like my chance to win, was screwed.”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was set for a top-10 finish before he was collected in a late restart when Michael McDowell lost traction and came up the track. Blaney ultimately finished 25th.
“The threat of rain hovered over the race all day,” Blaney said. “And it finally came. So our cars were equipped with windshield wipers. I’m waiting for the day when every car’s wipers are plastered with sponsorship from Dude Wipes. I really wonder why that hasn’t already happened.”
9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 28th in the USA Today 301.
“I guess I’ll get blamed for spinning Martin Truex Jr.,” Keselowski said. “Did I move up the track a little? Maybe. If I can’t give Martin a retirement gift, I can surely give him some retirement drift.”
10. William Byron: Byron finished 26th in the USA Today 301.”I haven’t won since Martinsville in early April,” Byron said. “That means I can’t win for losing.”
