Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished ninth in the AAA Texas 500, earning his 19th top-10 result of the year.
“I was given two ponies by Texas Motor Speedway as a retirement gift,” Gordon said. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with them. As a soon to be retiree, I reckon I will just put them out to pasture.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano blew a left-rear tire on lap 4, and the resulting damage sent the No.22 to the garage for major repairs. He finished 40th, 60 laps down, and will need a win at Phoenix to be among the final four eligible to win the Cup at Homestead.
“Matt Kenseth was not on the track,” Logano said. “I never thought this statement would ever be uttered, but ‘You take away Matt Kenseth, you take away all the excitement.’”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick recovered from two blown tires to finish third in the AAA Texas 500. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings.
“I also had to keep my hand on the shifter,” Harvick said. “That was to keep the car from popping out of gear. That goes to show that when Kevin Harvick faces adversity, he overcomes it. That was the case at Dover—I was backed into a corner, so I backed into a wall.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Texas and holds the second spot in the points standings.
“Sammy Hagar gave a pre-race concert in the Texas Motor Speedway infield,” Busch said. “I believe he was staring straight at me when he sang ‘I Can’t Drive 55.’”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and dominated, leading 312 of 334 laps, but lost the victory when Jimmie Johnson passed him for the lead late. Keselowski is sixth in the points standings.
“I’ll likely need a win to advance,” Keselowski said. “My Penske teammate Joey Logano faces the same situation. We could finish 1-2. If that happens, one of us could be taking it home, while the other would be going home.”
6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth in the AAA Texas 500, posting his seventh top 5 of the year.
“NASCAR suspended Matt Kenseth for two races,” Edwards said. “Matt seemed to be enjoying himself, sitting at home, watching the race, and sending sarcastic tweets. I don’t think NASCAR can suspend him for wrecking Twitter.”
7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex lost his power steering while battling for the lead late in the race, and managed to hold on for an eighth-place finish.
“I’m fourth in the points standings,” Truex said. “If I hold that position, I’ll likely have a spot in the finale at Homestead. That would mean a lot for our team because the Furniture Row Racing team certainly deserves a seat at the table.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh in the AAA Texas 500, and is seventh in the points standings.
“I’m on the brink of elimination,” Busch said. “That’s what Joey Logano said when he saw Matt Kenseth behind him at Martinsville. It’s also what a soon-to-be-assassinated mark says when my ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll puts the crosshairs on the target.”
9. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt finished sixth at Texas, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.
“I’ve got top-10 finishes in the last three races,” Earnhardt said. “And that reminds me, you should try Diet Mountain Dew’s new flavor, ‘2 Little, 2 Late.’ It’s bittersweet.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson passed Brad Keselowski on lap 331 and won his third straight race at Texas.
“I may not be eligible for the Cup,” Johnson said, “but a win is a win is a win.”
