Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six behind first place.
“We were much better in the pits,” Harvick said. “Fortunately, our lug nuts were the only thing that was ‘screwed’ in the pits at Richmond.
“Now, it would be negligent of me if I didn’t address the Ryan Newman-Tony Stewart issue. I’m employed by Tony, so you can guess where I stand. I guess what I’m saying is that lawyers aren’t the only people who defend Tony.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Federated Auto Parts 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.
“The action didn’t really start until Tony Stewart wrecked Ryan Newman, Keselowski said. “Newman then had some choice words for Stewart. If implied accusations of a 2014 incident are the measuring stick for Newman’s vitriol, then he absolutely murdered it, or at least manslaughtered it.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and dominated the closing laps to win the Federated Auto Parts400. It was his third win of the season.
“I had to survive one final restart after a caution with three laps to go,” Hamlin said. “That was the last of 16 cautions on the night. After the race, I approached the flag stand and asked for the yellow flag and not the checkered flag.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch started ninth and finished ninth at Richmond. With four wins this year, Busch will start the Chase atop the standings alongside Brad Keselowski.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if Brad or myself fall out of first after one race,” Busch said, “because neither of us can stand to be in the same place for very long.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six out of the lead.
“The No. 78 Toyota failed the post-race laser inspection,” Truex said. “You never want to fail an inspection right before the Chase For The Cup begins, because you’re likely to get ‘pointed’ in the wrong direction.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Richmond, logging his 18th top 10 of the year.
“The Chase field is wide open,” Logano said. “You have household names, and you have some drivers who are not very well known. Let’s face it, when the Chase ends, you could hear the words ‘Chris Buescher’ and ‘2016 Sprint Cup champion,’ but probably not in the same sentence.”
7. Kurt Busch: Busch led two laps and took eighth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond.
“There were a whopping 16 caution flags during Saturday’s race,” Busch said. “That’s just about how many red flags go up when I’m on a date.”
8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Richmond, finishing 32nd, 41 laps off the pace.
“How about the Virginia Tech-Tennessee football game at Bristol Motor Speedway,” Edwards said, “There were over 156,000 people in attendance. Tire wear must have been an issue at Bristol because it was a blowout.”
9. Kyle Larson: Larson recorded his third consecutive top-5 finish with a second at Richmond.
“Tony Stewart has intentionally wrecked two drivers in two consecutive weeks,” Larson said. “First, it was Brian Scott. Then, it was Ryan Newman. But, at least he just wrecked them.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Richmond, rebounding from a 33rd the previous week at Darlington.
“I’m looking for No. 7,” Johnson said. “Based on my mediocre performance this season, most people say the only ‘No. 7’ I could find is Regan Smith.”