Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson recovered from left front damage to the No. 48 and stormed back to win the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville. Johnson qualified for the Chase For The Cup finale at Homestead on November 20.
“That’s my ninth Martinsville win,” Johnson said. “Now, I’ve got nine grandfather clock trophies. That makes me the father of grandfather clocks.
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 48 laps and finished third at Martinsville.
“I race hard at Martinsville,” Hamlin said. “And I think some drivers don’t like that about me. Jimmie Johnson was upset at how hard I raced him, and my Joe Gibbs teammates Matt Kenseth and Kyle Busch were also pissed at me. I can understand Johnson’s frustration, but not my whiny teammates. Trust me, for my teammates and I, there was a race lost, but there is no love lost.”
3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 176 laps at Martinsville and finished fourth, posting his eighth top five of the year.
“I famously wrecked Joey Logano last fall at Martinsville,” Kenseth said. “That gave the fans something to cheer for. I don’t know if they were necessarily my fans because I don’t think I have any fans.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.
“I’m still the defending Sprint Cup champion,” Busch said, “and I will remain that until someone pries it from my cold, dead hands. And here’s a Halloween reminder: M&M’s won’t melt in your mouth, and they definitely won’t melt in your cold, dead hands.”
5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville.
“I just wasn’t myself at Martinsville,” Harvick said. “You could say I was ‘Un-Happy.’”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Martinsville, posting his 13th top five of the season.
“NASCAR needed 29 caution laps to sort out the field order after Carl Edwards hit the wall on lap 358,” Logano said. “I don’t know who NASCAR has in charge of this, but they must be out of the ‘loop.’”
7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 22nd, three laps down, at Martinsville, and likely will need a win at Texas or Phoenix to advance to the final Chase round.
“Now that Halloween is over,” Busch said, “I think it’s safe to remove my costume because I’ve been masquerading as a Cup contender since the start of the Chase.”
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Martinsville in a bittersweet finish for the 2014 Sprint Cup champion.
“After failing to qualify for the next round,” Keselowski said, “I’ve kind of been a little dejected and walking around in a daze. In other words, I’ve been ‘out of it.’
9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Martinsville and finished seventh.
“I’m out of the running for the Sprint Cup championship,” Truex said, “so I’ve been rendered a mere spectator. But I’m still right in the middle of the action. That makes now a perfect time to introduce Furniture Row’s ‘Best Seat In The House’ promotion, in which nothing is on sale because I want you to feel my disappointment.”
10. Carl Edwards: Edwards blew a tire late at Martinsville and finished 36th, putting a serious damper on his championship hopes.
“Obviously,” Edwards said, “tire wear was an issue. I think that right-front tire was worn completely. And I hate bald tires just as much as Sport Clips hates bald heads.”