Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch overtook Kyle Larson late to win the Food City 500, which concluded on Monday due to weather delays. Busch led 200 laps and picked up his second consecutive win.
“Brad Keselowski’s spin with 30 laps to go helped me win the race,” Busch said. “But if he thinks I owe him gratitude, he can kiss it where the sun don’t shine, which is my ass, or Bristol on Sunday and Monday.”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.
“The race at Bristol took 26 hours to complete,” Harvick said. “Other races this year have only felt like they lasted that long.”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in a lap 117 crash and finished 35th at Bristol.
“There was a lot of green and yellow seen during Sunday and Monday,” Blaney said. “I’m not even talking about flags; I’m talking about the weather radar.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Food City 500, posting his seventh top 10 finish of the season.
“We spent Sunday and Monday looking up to the skies,” Logano said. “The heavens opened up, and the few fans left said ‘What the hell are we doing here?'”
5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished eighth at Bristol and is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Bristol Motor Speedway allowed school-aged children free admission to Monday’s race,” Bowyer said. “And there were quite a number of kids that showed up, thus making the crowd the most educated in NASCAR history.”
6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was involved in an early crash at Bristol, suffering damage that led to an eventual 30th-place finish.
“You probably saw me circling the track with no hood on my car,” Truex said. “That’s never good for speed, but I can assure you I was running ‘wide-open.'”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stages 1 and 2, but spun with 30 laps to go and hit the wall.
“That spin cost me a top-10 finish,” Keselowski said, “and likely gave Kyle Busch the win. That’s a brutal double whammy comparable only to what Kyle and Kurt Busch’s parents experienced.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 200 laps at Bristol, but fell short to Kyle Busch’s fresh tires. Larson finished second and is ninth in the points standings, 116 out of first.
“Brad Keselowski’s accident was the break Kyle Busch and the No. 18 Skittles car needed,” Larson said. “If that doesn’t happen, I win. Victory was so close, I could taste it. All of a sudden, victory was so far away, I could taste the rainbow.”
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola started 19th and finished sixth at in the Food City 500.
“NASCAR-issued pit guns are still an issue,” Almirola said. “Denny Hamlin, among others, said these pit guns are accurate in only one instance—-shooting yourself in the foot.”
10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 14th after a loose wheel cost him any chance of winning.
“I place the blame squarely on these crappy pit guns NASCAR forces us to us,” Hamlin said. “And it probably cost me the win, which is not the first time I’ve had a problem with them. Personally, ‘I’m tired of getting screwed,’ which is one thing you’ll never hear a securely tightened lug nut say.”
