Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Charlotte.
“Clint Bowyer is retiring at season’s end,” Harvick said, “and moving to the broadcast booth. Now, Clint’s gonna get paid to never stop talking.”
2. Chase Elliott: Elliott won at Charlotte’s Roval course, taking his fourth straight road course win. Elliott secured his spot in the playoff Round of 8.
“I love road courses,” Elliott said. “And there are six road course races on next year’s Cup schedule. That plays right into my hands. So next year, I’ll be taking the ‘circuitous’ route to the championship.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin struggled at Charlotte, spinning twice and suffering body damage on his way to a 15th-place finish.
“I let the back end get away from me,” Hamlin said, “which is probably something Tony Stewart said after a post-diet bender.”
4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth at Charlotte as the playoff field was trimmed to eight drivers.
“My brother Kyle was eliminated from the playoffs,” Busch said. “So it’s up to me to uphold the family name. But just a cursory glance through the Busch brothers history of legal problems would tell you neither of us is capable of upholding much of anything ethical.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Charlotte.
“It’s the Round Of 8,” Logano said. “This is where you separate the boys from the men. Some drivers, like Matt Kenseth, might question whether I belong in either category. Just check the history books; you’ll see I’m ‘classified’ as a ‘Cup champion.'”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Charlotte.
“Many NASCAR purists are against racing in the rain,” Keselowski said. “That’s probably why you see all these ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flags in the parking lot.”
7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Charlotte and joins Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in the Round Of 8.
“Kyle Busch went from Cup champion,” Truex said, “to not even making it to the third round of the playoffs. They call that ‘falling off a cliff,’ and right into the ‘glory hole.'”
8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished eighth in the Bank Of America Roval 400 and advanced to the next round of the playoffs.
“I’ll be driving the No. 48 car next year,” Bowman said. “It’s gonna be weird sitting in that seat that Jimmie drove to 7 Cup championships. It would be even weirder if Jimmie was still in it.”
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 16th at Charlotte’s Roval and was eliminated from the playoffs.
“How about the Xfinity Series race in the rain on Saturday?” Almirola said. “Now that was exciting. There was so much water on the course, there was no way that race was going to be ‘hydro-plain.'”
10. Kyle Busch: A flat tire derailed Busch’s chances of advancing to the next round of the playoffs. He finished 30th.
“Finally,” Busch said, “I’ve been put out of my misery. As last year’s Cup champion, I lost my ‘mojo,’ as well as every Cup race I entered this season.”