Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Chase Elliott: Elliott failed pre-race inspection and started from the back of the field, but powered his way to the win at Phoenix to capture the Cup championship.
“Now,” Elliott said, “I can call myself Cup champion just like my dad. And when we reminisce, he can tell me about the glory days when cigarettes sponsored the Cup. I, in turn, can talk about the times when the Cup had no sponsorship.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano led 125 laps at Phoenix and finished third.
“Winning a championship is in Chase Elliott’s blood,” Logano said. “His dad Bill is a former champion. So, take it from the driver they call ‘Sliced Bread,’ Chase was ‘born and bred‘ to be a champion.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth at Phoenix as Chase Elliott raced to the front for his first Cup championship. Hamlin is now 0-4 in title races.
“That’s something I’m gonna have to live with,” Hamlin said.”That’s people saying, ‘Denny Hamlin can’t win the big one.’ That’s gonna start to sound like a broken record. What’s also a broken record? An 0-4 record in title races.”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second at Phoenix, coming up short of winning his second Cup championship.
“We really needed a caution there at the end,” Keselowski said. “Where’s a teammate like Clint Bowyer when you need one?”
5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh in the Season Finale 500 at Phoenix.
“This just proves that I can produce a top-10 finish in my sleep,” Harvick said. “It also proves that Chase Elliott can dominate in such a fashion that it induces sleep also.”
6. Aric Almirola: Almirola came home 13th at Phoenix.
“Congratulations to Chase Elliott,” Almirola said. “To start at the rear, race to the front, and dominate for the win with everything on the line takes a lot of intestinal fortitude. So not only does Chase have ‘all the marbles,’ he’s got two of the biggest.”
7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 10th at Phoenix, posting his 23rd top 10 of the season.
“Congratulations to Chase Elliott,” Truex said. “I imagine there has to be some sweet deals at Hooters to celebrate the championship. If objectifying a 24-year-old is your thing, then go for it.”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 11th at Phoenix, followed by older brother Kurt in 12th.
“Chase Elliott is 24 years old,” Busch said. “And he’s the oldest of the three champions in NASCAR’s main series. That makes me even more of a crotchety old man, and I’m only 35.”
9. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 16th at Phoenix.
“It was a special day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Bowman said. “Chase Elliott was crowned champion, while Jimmie Johnson said ‘farewell.’ It’s enough to bring a grown man to tears, and an even grown-er man to Indy Car.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth at Phoenix in his last Cup race as a full-time driver.
“It was time to move on,” Johnson said. “I’ve been doing this for 19 years, so my parting words are ‘So long.'”