Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept Stages 1 and 2 at Darlington and held off Kyle Larson in the closing laps of the final stage to take the win, his third of the year.
“I could feel Kyle coming,” Truex said. “Heck, I thought he was going to pass me. When he got to within a second, I said a word that needed to be censored, out of my own frustration.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin grazed the wall late at Darlington, but held on to post a fifth in the Goodyear 400.
“I’m still winless,” Hamlin said, “and it’s very frustrating. Since I can’t win any, I’m offering ‘bonus points’ to anyone who can tell me how to break this slump.”
3. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Darlington and is third in the points standings.
“Daytona, Darlington, and Kansas announced that upcoming summer and fall races will be held with fully open grandstands,” Byron said. “And you can best believe the same people that complained about not being able to attend a race will be the same ones complaining that they’re sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with a fellow NASCAR fan.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Darlington.
“I think all drivers can agree that the ‘higher horsepower-lower downforce’ package is great,” Harvick said. “We all call it the ‘How Tim Richmond Liked His Women.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the Goodyear 400 at Darlington after falling just short of catching Martin Truex Jr. in the final stage.
“I was so close to Truex I could taste it,” Larson said. “But I couldn’t quite get there. Therein lies the difference between me and Truex: ‘I got caught.'”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 24th at Darlington.
“It was true for me on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “Darlington is the track that’s ‘too tough to tame.’ My No. 2 Ford Mustang, at least for the day, was called the car that’s ‘too tough to tame.’ The handling was off all day.”
7. Joey Logano: Logano suffered a pit lane speeding penalty on the final pit stop of the race and finished a disappointing 13th at Darlington.
“The No. 22 Ford’s paint scheme honored Mario Andretti’s first Formula 1 victory in 1971,” Logano said. “But really, I doubt NASCAR fans care at all about Formula 1, or Formula 2, 3, or 4, for that matter. In other words, it’s a matter of ‘zero F’s given.'”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame an early spin to post a third-place result at Darlington.
“My car’s paint scheme celebrated M&M’s 80th anniversary,” Busch said. “M&M’s has been a sponsor of mine for years, and I’m sure having their logo on my car has made them millions. So, they’ve really exploited me and my car for their gain. Talk about ‘milk’ chocolate.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Darlington and is eighth in the points standings.
“My car honored 1992 Cup champion Alan Kulwicki,” Elliott said, “and featured the throwback Hooters paint scheme. Rumor has it that Kulwicki once visited the ‘private back room’ at one particular Hooters, where he allegedly received a ‘Polish victory lap dance.'”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney tagged the wall late while running in the top five and settled for an eighth in the Goodyear 400.
“NASCAR just revealed the ‘Next Gen’ car,” Blaney said. “At first glance, it looks really cool, sleek, and futuristic. On second glance, it didn’t pass inspection.”