Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Christopher Bell: Bell led 100 laps and held off Tyler Reddick to win the Food City Dirt Race at Bristol.
“I’m thrilled to get this win,” Bell said. “Not only is it big for the Playoffs, but I also got that big trophy plus a sweet gladiator sword. There are two things I can’t wait to do with that sword: 1, Show it off to my friends, and 2, ship it to Mexico and ask Kyle Busch to bring it back the next time he’s there.”
2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was on the charge late, attempting to catch Christopher Bell, but ran out of time and had to settle for his second consecutive runner-up finish in the Bristol Dirt Race.
“If you saw my post-race interview with Fox’s Jamie Little,” Reddick said, “then you’re well aware that I’m used to coming up a little short.”
3. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Bristol.
“My team was penalized again after failing inspection at Richmond,” Byron said. “But let’s be honest, we’re just trying to make our car faster; NASCAR keeps catching us. They’re preventing us from making a ‘fast getaway (with it).'”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Bristol, as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell captured the win.
“Bell’s one of the best drivers on tracks like this,” Truex said. “His name has become synonymous with ‘dirt.’ The name ‘Denny Hamlin’ brings up similar associations, because his name is ‘Mud’ when it comes to retaliatory maneuvers on the track.”
5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished a disappointing 28th at Bristol, one lap down.
“Dirt track racing is not my cup of tea,” Chastain said. “If I did have a cup of tea, I’m sure someone would have a problem with it. And with it being Easter, I’m sure I’d get crucified for it.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Bristol.
“Michael Waltrip was joined on his Bristol ‘Grid Walk’ by the Easter Bunny,” Harvick said. “From what I understand, the Easter Bunny doesn’t speak, yet he’s still a better interviewer than Waltrip.”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Bristol and won Stage 1, but was knocked out of the race by Ryan Preece on Lap 177. He finished 35th.
“I think Preece was retaliating for earlier contact between us,” Larson said. “Does he know who I am? Heck. Does he know who he is? Obviously not, because he’s out there trying to make a name for himself.”
8. Joey Logano: Logano had an eventful day, full of spins and contact with other cars, and was finally knocked out of the race on Lap 96. He finished 37th.
“My car was all over the place,” Logano said. “That place was ‘last.'”
9. Kyle Busch: A broken shock with 13 laps to go ended Busch’s night in the Food City Dirt Race. He finished 32nd.
“It wasn’t the finish I was looking for,” Busch said. “On the bright side, though, I got to shake hands with Tim Tebow. That’s probably as close as I’m gonna get to feeling the hand of God. That is, a God-awful NFL quarterback.”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran near the front for the majority of the night at Bristol, but a spin on a restart with eight laps to go cost him a top-five finish. He finished 23rd.
“The track conditions changed quite a bit over the duration of the race,” Blaney said. “If you took a look at the stands, you noticed that the track was the only thing ‘packed.'”