Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished eighth at Talladega, recording his seventh top 10 of the season.
“Noah Gragson accidentally turned Harrison Burton on Lap 142,” Bell said. “Those two have a history. They got into a fight in 2020 at Kentucky. Gragson’s car had Wendy’s sponsorship, which conveniently answers the question, ‘Where’s the beef?'”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch survived a series of late restarts and was just ahead of Ryan Blaney when the final caution ended the race, giving him the win in the Geico 500 at Talladega.
“I’m not too proud to say that lots of things worked out in our favor,” Busch said. “Sometimes it’s best to be good. Sometimes, it’s best to be lucky. And sometimes, it’s best to have the best legal representation money can buy.”
3. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Talladega.
“As is usually the case,” Byron said, “my car sported the Liberty University paint scheme. For those not familiar with Liberty U., it’s in Lynchburg, Virginia, and is unofficially known as ‘Mind If I Watch U.'”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Talladega and finished 15th.
“Michael Jordan was in attendance to watch Bubba Wallace and Ty Gibbs race,” Hamlin said. “It’s got to be a huge thrill for fans lucky enough to bump into the greatest basketball player of all time at a race track in Alabama. I mean, what are the odds? Well, MJ could probably tell you exactly what the odds are.”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 47 laps, but came up short at Talladega when a caution ended the race with Blaney trailing Kyle Busch in the lead.
“Bubba Wallace pretty much cost me the win,” Blaney said. “Michael Jordan would be proud of him because Bubba ‘blocked’ me with a ‘lane violation’ and ‘assisted’ Kyle Busch to the win. And, of course, the race went into overtime.”
6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 27th, the last car on the lead lap, after he was collateral damage in the final wreck that ended the race.
“Congratulations to my former teammate Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “He was extremely fortunate to win that race. He can now call himself the luckiest man in two countries, Mexico and the United States.”
7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Talladega.
“There are superspeedways,” Chastain said. “And then there is ‘Super Speed Way,’ which is the street named after Jeremy Mayfield.”
8. Kevin Harvick: A late pit stop for fuel cost Harvick a chance at a top-five finish, and instead settled for 20th in the Geico 500.
“I made my 800th Cup start at Talladega,” Harvick said. “Unlike my car at Talladega, I get great mileage.”
9. Kyle Larson: Larson was knocked out of the Geico 500 on lap 190 when a wild restart sent him hurtling into the path of Noah Gragson. Larson finished 33rd.
“Talladega is always such an unpredictable race,” Larson said. “I think that’s exactly what fans want to see: unpredictability. If fans are looking for something predictable, they should go watch a Hendrick car post-race inspection.”
10. Joey Logano: Logano bounced back from an early speeding penalty, and was in contention late before contact with Corey Lajoie wrecked him on Lap 184. Logano was able to continue and finished 30th.
“Talladega is always a race in which any driver in the field can win,” Logano said. “It’s also a race in which any driver in the field can be the reason you don’t win.”