Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept the stages and was the dominant car all day at New Hampshire on his way to the win in the Crayon 301.
“I was thrilled to hoist the huge lobster given to the winner,” Truex said. “Especially since this is my first win at New Hampshire. And it’s a memory I’ll treasure forever. And one day, I’ll tell my kids all about it. It will be my personal lobster tale.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano came up short at his home track, settling for the runner-up spot at New Hampshire behind Martin Truex Jr.
“If some filed a motion that Truex was unstoppable on Monday,” Logano said, “I’m best qualified to ‘second’ it.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh in the Crayon 301.
“Congratulations to my teammate Martin Truex Jr.,” Hamlin said. “He drove like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately for NASCAR ratings, there was a tomorrow.”
4. William Byron: Byron finished 24th in the Crayon 301.
“Chase Elliott is in danger of missing the NASCAR playoffs,” Byron said. “But I think, with the support of Hooters and the Dawsonville Pool Hall, he’ll be able to ‘rack’ up a win to get him in the playoffs.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson led six laps and finished third in the Crayon 301, posting his ninth top-five of the year.
“Martin Truex Jr. was just unstoppable,” Larson said. “I have nothing but kind words to say about him. Those words are so much more meaningful when they’re not a requirement of sensitivity training.”
6. Kyle Busch: Busch got loose and nailed the wall at the end of Stage 1, damaging the right side of his No. 8 Chevrolet. Busch finished last, completing only 71 laps.
“In addition,” Busch said, “I crashed in qualifying and had to start at the back of the field. So, I was pretty much handcuffed from the start. So, now I’ve been handcuffed in two countries.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 22nd at New Hampshire.
“This race was called the ‘Crayon 301,'” Blaney said. “Surprisingly, it’s ‘Crayon Software Experts,’ and not the crayons children color with, or many NASCAR fans write with.”
8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 23rd at New Hampshire.
“Ryan Newman was driving the No. 15 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Logano said. “That means only one thing: Rusty Wallace was nowhere near the race track.”
9. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole at New Hampshire and finished 30th, a lap down.
“I had to make an unscheduled pit stop on Lap 74 for a loose wheel,” Bell said. “That pretty much ruined my day. I don’t know who it was, but one of my pit crewmen screwed me. Actually, he didn’t screw me enough.”
10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 10 laps and finished fourth in the Crayon 301.
“There are six more races until the playoffs start,” Harvick said. “That means it’s ‘crunch time.’ Now, if you’re racing anywhere near Ross Chastain, it’s always crunch time.”