Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Homestead.
“Liberty University has been with me as a sponsor through a lot this season,” Byron said. “As Jerry Falwell, Jr. well knows, that includes the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and everything pool boy in between.”
2. Christopher Bell: Bell led 26 laps and held off Ryan Blaney down the stretch to win the 4Ever 400 at Homestead and secure his spot in the Championship 4.
“I’ve never been more excited for a ‘berth’ in my life,” Bell said. “And that will also be the case after I have children.”
3. Kyle Larson: Larson overshot the pit entrance with 55 laps left and slammed into the sand barrels protecting the pit wall. He finished 34th.
“I don’t think sand has been a factor in a NASCAR race,” Larson said, “since Daytona in 1958.”
4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 and finished second at Homestead.
“My disqualification at Las Vegas was rescinded by NASCAR,” Blaney said. “Apparently, NASCAR discovered an issue with the tool used to measure damper lengths, though, there’s no issue with the tool used to measure the effectiveness of a bribe.”
5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick led one lap and finished third at Homestead.
“My car featured the McDonald’s/Hamburglar paint scheme,” Reddick said. “And my car was good enough to win. Talk about ‘fast food.'”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin slammed the wall in the final stage due to a steering issue and sustained damage that was too severe to allow him to continue. He finished 30th.
“Sports Clips served as my primary sponsor at Homestead,” Hamlin said. “I think they should be with me at Martinsville because I have my work ‘cut’ out for me.”
7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Homestead and finished a disappointing 30th after engine trouble late in the race.
“I’m devastated,” Truex said. “In light of what my engine did at Homestead, I’m reconsidering my own retirement.”
8. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 21st at Homestead.
“Ryan Newman drove the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Buescher said. “Even at 45 years of age, Newman still intimidates. Back in the day, he instilled fear in everyone on the track, especially his teammate.”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 18th at Homestead.
“I can’t win the championship,” Busch said, “but I can still try to pad my wins total. I’ve won in every form of racing I’ve tried, and that includes speeding away from the Mexican police.”
10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 31st in the 4Ever 400.
“I can’t wait to get to Martinsville,” Chastain said. “Last year, that’s the track where I left my mark. I think fans there can relate because after eating a Martinsville hot dog, you’ll also ‘leave your mark.'”