Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 136 laps and held off Kyle Larson down the stretch to win the Wurth 400, his third victory of the season.
“As I like to say after a win,'” Hamlin said, “‘I just beat your favorite driver.’ I don’t know who your favorite driver is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not me.”
2. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 2 at Dover and chased Denny Hamlin for the lead late, to no avail. Larson settled for the runner-up spot and still leads the Cup points standings.
“I plan to run the Indy 500-Coca-Cola 600 double on May 26th,” Larson said. “Tony Stewart is the only driver to successfully complete all 1,100 miles, and I believe he lost the equivalent of my body weight in doing so.”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Dover.
“Things have been quiet at the Dawsonville Pool Room since I won at Texas,” Elliott said. “When I won there a few weeks ago, it snapped a 42-race winless streak. That siren at the Pool Room hasn’t gone off a lot lately, so when it does, it’s pretty alarming.”
4. William Byron: Byron was strong early at Dover, but his day was derailed when his car fell off the jack on a lap 182 pit stop. The 24-second stop dropped Byron well back in the field and he finished 33rd.
“That’s what you call a real ‘drop off’ in performance,” Byron said. “And that wasn’t the end of my bad luck. I was collected in an accident on Lap 329 that ended my day. At that point, our chances of winning were basically done. And if anyone knows what it’s like to be on the outside looking in, it’s Jerry Falwell Jr.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Dover and finished third.
“Unlike some races this season,” Truex said, “this was an exciting race. This race had everything one would expect from a NASCAR race: exciting racing, lead changes, crucial accidents, and Jimmie Johnson finishing at least one lap down. It also had something you wouldn’t expect, which is both a Family Dollar and a Dollar Tree car in the same race.”
6. Tyler Reddick: Reddick came home 11th at Dover.
“‘Miles The Monster’ is one of the most iconic trophies in motorsports racing,” Reddick said. “It’s also taller than me.”
7. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs finished 10th at Dover as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top 10 as Denny Hamlin took the win.
“Toyota has won five races this season,” Gibbs said. “Chevrolet has won six. And Ford? They like to think they’re zeroing in on a win.”
8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished eighth in the Wurth 400.
“Corey Heim drove the No. 43 Toyota for the injured Erik Jones,” Bowman said. “He’s not to be confused with Corey Haim, because he’s dead.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh in the Wurth 400, earning his fifth top 10 of the season.
“Ford is still looking for its first win this season,” Blaney said. “Currently, ‘Ford’ stands for ‘Feeling Ourselves Really Desperate.'”
10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 12th at Dover.
“I’ve realized that Indy Car is a lot like NASCAR,” Chastain said. “If you get caught cheating in Indy Car, you do the same thing you would do in NASCAR, and that’s deny you even knew you were cheating.”
