Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: Logano used astute fuel strategy to lead the final six laps and win the South Point 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, punching his ticket to the championship round.
“I’m just lucky to still be in the Playoffs,” Logano said. “I am in, thanks to Alex Bowman, who was disqualified after the ROVAL race. Reportedly, Alex threw his phone into a swimming pool after learning the news. Reportedly, William Byron said the phone hit Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s pool boy.”
2. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Las Vegas.
“Sunday’s race went head to head with the Formula 1 United States Grand Prix in Austin, Texas,” Byron said. “But let’s face it, you can see things in NASCAR that you’d never see in F1, like toilet paper advertised on a car.”
3. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole at Las Vegas and led the most laps, but finished second to Joey Logano.
“I’ve started on pole in 13 races in my career,” Bell said, “and I have yet to win one of those races. I guess I take the saying ‘It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish’ a little too literally.”
4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fifth in the South Point 400.
“First there were 16,” Bowman said. “Then there were 12. Then there were 8. I was a part of each of those groups until I had my membership revoked from the last one.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 11th in the South Point 400.
“Congratulations to Joey Logano,” Larson said. “The No. 22 team and crew chief Paul Wolfe made the perfect calls all day. With this being Las Vegas, I guess you would call Wolfe the ‘Pit Boss.'”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eight at Las Vegas.
“My car featured the ‘Yahoo’ paint scheme,” Hamlin said. “Obviously, that meant my No. 11 Toyota was powered by a ‘search engine.'”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s tough weekend at Las Vegas started with a crash in Saturday’s practice, and ended with a 32nd place finish.
“Things were going okay until I was caught in the accident that saw Tyler Reddick flip once,” Blaney said. “However, I refuse to ‘roll over’ and die.”
8. Ross Chastain: Chastain started seventh and finished seventh at Las Vegas, posting his 13th top 10 of the season.
“I really wanted to win in Vegas,” Chastain said. “Who wouldn’t want to smash a watermelon in Vegas? I guess the better question is ‘Who would want to smash a watermelon in Vegas?'”
9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the South Point 400, posting his 11th top-10 result of the season.
“I think I’ve left my mark in this sport,” Truex said. “I think Tyler Reddick has as well after his day at Darlington when he left a skid mark.”
10. Chase Elliott: Elliott was caught up in a multi-car accident on Lap 89 that resulted in Tyler Reddick’s No. 45 Toyota rolling over. Elliott was able to continue, but his suspension was compromised and he finished 33rd.
“I’m in last place in the standings,” Elliott said. “I’m not worried at all. I’ve been in worse places. Heck, I was born in Dawsonville, Georgia.”
