Over the course of several decades, Americans have found ways to turn their favorite social habits into competitive party games. From old fashioned beer chugging contests at college fraternity houses to highly organized happy hour contests at neighborhood sports bars, competitiveness has always been somewhat of a national past time.
A perfect example of this trend is the creation of a game called Beer Pong.This extremely popular contest combines the elements of ping pong with all of the elements that made Milwaukee famous. A contestant has to bounce a ping pong ball down the length of an official, regulation sized, table. If the ball lands in a beer cup, then the contestant has to rapidly drink the beer. This game has become extremely popular at sports bars and has even developed a certain level of sophistication – well, at least as sophisticated as beer chugging will allow. There now seems to be official beer pong leagues, with multiple teams, and stats, such as won/loss records, are carefully archived.
Recently it occurred to me that NASCAR racing fans needs their own special party game. It should have a format that is challenging and highly competitive but with an iron clad set of rules that maintains at least some resemblance of control.
It also occurred to me that this new game should have a strong focal point that would create instant popularity. This game should be named in honor of Danica Patrick, the newly crowned queen of NASCAR stock car racing. With her strong fan base, non stop media attention and her amazing numbers in the Social Media, she more than deserves this honor. Because of all of the attention often bestowed on this driver, this new NASCAR party game should be called “Danica Alert.”
Here are the official rules for “Danica Alert”, (of course there are rules, without them we’d have anarchy.)
1. The official host of the “Danica Alert” party will be referred to as the Director Of Competition. This person will be in charge of the game’s administrative procedures and will be the sole source for enforcing any and all rules. The decisions made by the Director Of Competition will be final.
2. The “Danica Alert” contestants will be referred to as the Drivers who will be seated in a row of chairs directly in front of a television set prior to the start of the NASCAR Sprint Cup broadcast. Each Driver will be issued a regulation sized double shot glass filled with Jose Cuervo 1800 Tequila. That’s because our girl Danica deserves only the top shelf hooch. At this point the drivers should be made aware that “Danica Alert” is not a game for livation lightweights.
3. Each and every time the television network, broadcasting the NASCAR Sprint Cup race, mentions Danica Patrick’s name, or shows her bright green #10 Go Daddy Chevrolet on the screen, the Drivers must jump to their feet, shout “DANICA ALERT” and then chug the double shot of tequila.
4. After each Danica reference, the Director Of Competition will immediately refill the Driver’s shot glasses. This action will be referred to as “a splash and go” and is meant to insure the Drivers will be prepared for the next Danica television reference which could be coming within a matter of minutes.
5. Any driver who finds it necessary to make an “unscheduled pit stop”, by running to the bathroom with one hand covering their mouth, will be regarded as a “Start And Park” contestant. Start And Park Drivers will be allowed to return to watch the race but will have to spend the remainder of the broadcast sitting on a special couch referred to as “the Garage Area.” The Start And Park Drivers will only be allowed to consume bottled water for the remainder of the event.
6. Any Start And Park Driver who accidentally leaves an “oil spill”, (AKA a trail of personal DNA), on the track, (AKA the carpet), while trying to run to the bathroom will be regarded as having committed an “action detrimental to the sport of stock car racing”. This driver will be “indefinitely suspended” by the Director Of Competition.
7. In the case of an “oil spill” on the track, (AKA the carpet), the Director Of Competition will present a red flag and dispatch a clean up crew to scene. This clean up crew will be provided with a can of carpet cleaner, a cleaning brush and a high powered hair dryer. Any Driver, during the course of of track clean up, who comes in direct contact with the high powered dryer will be disqualified. This infraction will be hereinafter be known as “The Juan Pablo Montoya Rule.”
8. Any driver who falls asleep during the race broadcast will be in violation of failure to “maintain the mandatory race speed.” This driver will be sent to the aforementioned “garage area” couch and will be served a refreshing bottle of water.
9. Any driver who criticizes the Director Of Competition’s new generation living room furniture will be fined $25. This infraction will be hereinafter be known as “The Denny Hamlin Rule.”
10. If more than one Driver is still active in the “DANICA ALERT” contest at the conclusion of the television broadcast, then those Drivers will compete in the “Green-White-Checker Round.” Each Driver, one at a time, will have to stand up, consume another shot glass of tequila and recite the following poem:
“DANICA AND RICKY SITTING IN A TREE.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE.
THEN COMES RICKY WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.
During the course of reciting this poem, if any Driver struggles with, or forgets, the words the Director Of Competition will present a black flag and that driver will be disqualified from the competition. The green-white-checker round will be repeated over and over until there’s only one driver left in the contest to receive the checkered flag.
11. At the conclusion of the contest the Director Of Competition will instruct a two person Safety Crew to activate transport procedures. The first member of the Safety Crew will safely transport a driver to his home. The second member of the Safety Crew will follow the first car while transporting the Driver owned personal vehicle to his home. This action eliminates a Driver from waking up Monday morning while yelling: “Dude, where’s my car?”
The Drivers will be informed, prior to the start of the race broadcast, that the transport procedure is an iron clad, point non negotiable, rule because drinking and driving is not cool people.
So, what does the last man standing receive for winning a rousing game of “Danica Alert?” Why redneck bragging rights of course.
To Danica Patrick: we thank you in advance for finding a way to tolerate this silly idea and we wish you the very best of luck during this weekend’s NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race.
To the Drivers planning on competing in “Danica Alert” this weekend, PARTY ON Y’ALL !
