Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick qualified 24th at Talladega and struggled to find speed for much of the day. Then, the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy received front-end damage after being caught up in a lap 47 accident. Despite his troubles, Harvick scored a solid eighth-place finish and remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.
“I’m not thrilled,” Harvick said, “but I’m ‘Happy.’ Even when I don’t win, it’s easy to put on a ‘Happy’ face.
“When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And, when the damage gets severe, I persevere. I’m not sure what happened on lap 47. It looks like David Ragan ran out of talent, as they say.
2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started third at Talladega as Hendrick Motorsports cars took four of the top five spots in qualifying. Johnson took the runner-up spot behind HMS teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr.
“What do you know?” Johnson said. “On a weekend when many high-schoolers were off to proms, it was ‘Junior Prom’ at Talladega, and I escorted Dale right to the finish line.”
3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt led a race-high 67 laps and won at Talladega for the first time since 2004.
“I took the win at Talladega,” Earnhardt said, “and the crowd roared. When my fans get loud, they scream at the top of their lungs. And trust me, they mean it from the bottom of their hearts, and their livers.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano suffered significant damage when he was collected in a lap 47 accident triggered when David Ragan’s No. 6 car got loose. Logano eventually finished 33rd, two laps down, and now has two results of 33rd or worse in his last three races.
“I did win on Saturday in the Xfinity Series race,” Logano said. “I had to make a last-lap block to preserve the win. That was an intense race. And let’s face it, an intense race is what Talladega is all about, because the circuit’s huge infield is utopia for the real ‘in tents race,’ which is white people camping out.
“All the talk at Talladega was about ‘the draft. And speaking of ‘The Draft,’ if you put Jameis Winston in a car at Talladega, he’d no doubt ‘steal’ a win.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fifth in the Geico 500, posting his ninth top-10 result of the season. He is now second in the points standings, 40 behind Kevin Harvick.
“Talladega is NASCAR’s longest super speedway,” Truex said. “’Super Speed Way’ also happens to be the street in Owensboro, Kentucky that the Mayfield’s call home. On that street, there is no speed limit.”
6. Kurt Busch: One week after winning at Richmond, Busch posted a respectable 12th at Talladega.
“GoDaddy is dropping their sponsorship of my teammate Danica Patrick’s No. 10 car,” Busch said. “I guess they didn’t want to spend the money. How much money is that, anyway? I’m not sure, but it has to be a ‘father figure.’ Now, people can sarcastically ask Danica the same question they ask Joey Logano—-where’s your Daddy?’”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 22nd on a tough day for Penske Racing, as teammate Joey Logano finished 33rd. Keselowski is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.
“This race had about as much excitement as the Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao fight,” Keselowski said. “Mayweather and Pacquiao made a combined $200 million for the fight. And, much like in racing, there was a ‘check-ered’ flag waved at the end.”
8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started on the front row alongside pole sitter and Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon at Talladega. Unfortunately, his day soured when his No. 5 Chevrolet was damaged in a lap 47 pileup that involved 16 cars. Kahne eventually finished 34th, 30 laps down.
“Gordon and I started 1-2,” Kahne said. “Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2. All this talk about the ole 1-2, and oddly enough, none of it had to do with anyone punching Brad Keselowski.
“But congratulations to Junior. He did what he had to do to win. And Jimmie did what he had to do to for Junior to win. I hear JJ’s headed to Key West, Florida to open his new bar. It’s called ‘Jimmie Buffer’s.’”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led five laps and finished ninth at Talladega, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.
“I hear Jeff Gordon is driving the pace car at the Indianapolis 500 on May 24th. I’m not sure what the pit road speed limit for a pace car at Indy is, but I am sure Jeff will exceed it.”
10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray just missed a top-10 finish in the Geico 500 with an 11th at Talladega. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.
“There was a lot of single file racing on Sunday,” McMurray said. “Now at Talladega, when you ask about the ‘lineup,’ you have to specify whether you mean qualifying or the actual race. Talladega is the world’s fastest game of Follow The Leader.”
