Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch led late at Las Vegas but was passed with five laps to go by Brad Keselowski, who went on to win the Kobalt 400. Busch leads the Sprint Cup points standings by six points over Jimmie Johnson.
“The No. 18 M&M’s car had a late wheel vibration that affected the handling,” Busch said. “If that type of vibration happens to the No. 48 car, you’d call it a ‘Shimmie Johnson.’”
2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led a race-high 76 laps and finished third in the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.
“It was a grueling race due to the weather,” Johnson said, “and that takes a physical toll on a driver. Take it from a guy who runs triathlons—even I was ‘winded’ afterwards.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took seventh at Las Vegas, piloting the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevy to its third top-10 finish of the year.
“NASCAR legend Mark Martin has endorsed Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for President,” Harvick said. “Martin urged Trump to ‘build that wall.’ A lot of people have urged Trump to do that. Some have even encouraged him to build that wall out of Muslims. I don’t know how high a wall would be needed to prevent illegal aliens from crossing the border. I do know that a four-foot wall would prevent Mark from seeing over it.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second to Brad Keselowski as Penske Racing swept the top two places at Las Vegas. Logano is fourth in the points standings, 12 behind Kyle Busch.
“That’s right,” Logano said, “Penske drivers went 1-2 at Vegas. I think we could make a habit of taking the top 2 positions at future races. Other drivers have already nicknamed us ‘The Old One-Two,’ but mostly because our faces are so punchable.”
5. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole for the second consecutive week and had a strong run waylaid when he was collected in a crash with Carl Edwards caused by Matt Kenseth’s spin. Busch salvaged a ninth-place finish and is fifth in the points standings.
“The wind was blowing something fierce,” Busch said. “There were gusts upwards of 50 miles per hour. In NASCAR, we call that ‘da breeze caution.’ In the NHRA, they call that ‘Gale Force.’ No relation to John.”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from a pit road speeding penalty and passed Kyle Busch with five laps to go to win the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas. Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took second.
“It wasn’t easy passing Kyle,” Keselowski said. “I really had to work for it, as Kyle doesn’t concede position easily. If you mention the words ‘push over,’ Kyle won’t respond. Now, if you mention the words ‘pull over,’ Kyle will respond, especially if you’re a state trooper.”
7. Carl Edwards: After a wreck in practice, Edwards resorted to a backup car and finished 18th at Las Vegas. He sits seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 20 out of first.
“Las Vegas is a favorite stop on the circuit for many drivers,” Edwards said. “We all head to the casinos with high hopes, and leave with lighter wallets. Of course, you can’t talk about ‘blow money’ without mentioning Tim Richmond. He would have loved the track at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, and if given the chance to turn laps there, I bet he would have never left. Tim was always driven to excess.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 11th in the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas. He is ninth in the points standings, 26 out of first.
“I was docked 15 points for having a roof flap issue for the second-straight race,” Truex said. “We’ve been trying to fool NASCAR for a week. Interestingly enough, they just happened to choose Las Vegas to blow the roof off this scandal.”
9. Austin Dillon: Dillon posted his second consecutive top-five finish with a fifth in the Kobalt 400. He is ninth in the points standings, 26 out of first.
“It’s nice to make Richard Childress Racing important again,” Dillon said. “If I’m not mistaken, they made a movie about me called ‘The Relevant.’”
10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished eighth at Las Vegas, posting his second top 10 of the year.
“I was in attendance at UFC 196 in Las Vegas on Saturday night,” Earnhardt said. “Believe me, the only times I hear the words ‘tap out’ mentioned more are at a Junior Nation keg party.”
