Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started from the pole at Atlanta and won the first two segments, but a late pit road speeding penalty cost him the victory.
“I guess I should have backed off a little going down pit road,” Harvick said. “But I ‘pushed,’ and once again, Brad Keselowski was the recipient.
“My wife DeLana was not happy with Austin Dillon for staying out and causing the caution, and she took to Twitter to voice her displeasure with the No. 3 team. Unfortunately, no amount of sad-face emojis will give me the victory.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski capitalized on Kevin Harvick’s speeding penalty and zoomed past Kyle Larson to win the Folds Of Honor Quik Trips 500.
“Even while Harvick was dominating,” Keselowski said, “I kept my composure, then I proved I can come through under pressure when I passed Larson. Not to boast, but I’ve got a huge set of testicles. And do you know what holds a pair that large? A ‘Monster Cup.’”
3. Kurt Busch: Coming off his career-defining win at Daytona, Busch finished seventh at Atlanta, and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Monster Energy is the new Cup sponsor,” Busch said, “and I’m proud to display the Monster logo all over my car. Heck, I don’t see the word ‘Monster’ used this much except in court filings against me.”
4. Kyle Larson: Larson led late at Atlanta, but was passed by Brad Keselowski with six laps to go and settled for the runner-up spot. Larson is sixth in the points standings.
“I’ve had the lead late in the last three Cup races,” Larson said, “and didn’t win any of them. I keep asking myself ‘What happened?’ I don’t have an answer. Now, if you ask me ‘What happened?’ during the Atlanta race, I do have an answer. It’s ‘nothing.’That was one of the most uneventful races in NASCAR history. The only exciting action appeared on a NASCAR official’s timing device. Ask Harvick and he’ll tell you it was a ‘stop watch.’”
5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his second top 10 of the year with a fourth at Atlanta.
“Kevin Harvick obviously had the best car in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500,” Kahne said. “But the key words here are ‘QuikTrip,’ because Harvick was a little too fast heading down pit road. Honestly, I’m skeptical that Harvick was, in fact, speeding. I think NASCAR wanted a competitive end to a race that Harvick was easily dominating. In a sport in where you’re always looking for that extra mile per hour, NASCAR officials seem to be the best at finding it.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500 at Atlanta.
“Congratulations to my Penske teammate Brad Keselowski,” Logano said. “That was a huge win, and Brad was very excited. You could hear it in his voice right after he took the checkered flag. If you were listening in on his radio feed, you probably didn’t need an FBI warrant to do so.”
7. Chase Elliott: Elliott placed fifth at Atlanta for his second top-10 finish of the season, once again leading the Hendrick Motorsports charge along with teammate Kasey Kahne.
“This was the first race of the season without Rob Gronkowski’s presence,” Elliott said. “But even if he’s not at the track, Rob will be there in spirit, because there’s a lap 69 in every race this year.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Atlanta in the No. 78 Furniture Row Toyota.
“I think all drivers are pleased with the new points system,” Truex said. “Now, I’m not sure the fans feel the same way because it can be a bit complicated. But once you understand it, it’s simple. So, to NASCAR fans, I say ‘Do the math.’ And, to fans from Jeremy Mayfield’s hometown of Owensboro, Kentucky, I say ‘There’s an ‘A’ in ‘math,’ not an ‘E.’”
9. Matt Kenseth: After a disappointing result at Daytona, Kenseth bounced back with a third at Atlanta.
“I’m still getting used to not having Carl Edwards as a teammate,” Kenseth said. “Carl suddenly announced his retirement back in January and said he may have plans to win for political office. If Carl is ever elected, it will be the first time he’s won a race that mattered.”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 18th at Atlanta and is now eighth in the points standings.
“They say speed runs in my family,” Blaney said. “If that’s true, let hope it skipped a generation because my father Dave didn’t win a single Cup race.”
