Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 152 of 274 laps at Kentucky and easily handled a late restart to win the Quaker State 400.
“I dominated that race from start to finish,” Truex said. “I won Stage 1 and Stage 2, then completed the day with the victory. Total domination. I whipped the field, which makes me a ‘domina-Truex.'”
2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the back of the field and charged to the runner-up finish.
“NASCAR says I passed 90 cars on the night,” Larson said. “That’s a lot of passing. I doubt 90 of anything has been passed in this sport unless you’re talking about Tony Stewart and gas, or Darrell Waltrip and kidney stones.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, scoring his 11th top-10 result of the year.
“Nothing against Quaker State,” Harvick said, “but I’m sponsored by Mobil 1. And I’m also sponsored by Busch beer. Mobil 1 makes sure my car is well-oiled. Busch beer makes sure my fans are well-oiled.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Kentucky and came home with a fifth-place finish in the Quaker State 400.
“Here’s an interesting story,” Busch said. “Greg Biffle’s ex-wife alleges in a lawsuit he had a Roush Fenway Racing employee install cameras in her house without her knowledge, and that Biffle shared the footage with others. In other words, Greg had his ‘peeps’ do it for him. Has he responded to the lawsuit? Nope, not a peep from him.”
5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s night at Kentucky Speedway ended early when he was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose on lap 88. Johnson finished last.
“I certainly don’t like being last,” Johnson said, “unless it’s at NASCAR’s year-end awards ceremony. Another place I’m last? As an icon in this sport, because I’ve made a ‘last-ing’ impression.”
6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Kentucky, recording his sixth top five of the year and is fifth in the Monster Energy points standings.
“It was a good finish,” Elliott said, “but I’m still disappointed. I’m looking for my first victory. On the bright side, I didn’t offend anyone by cursing over the radio. So I’ll happily settle for the moral victory.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on the first lap of the second stage and finished 39th at Kentucky, equalling his worst finish of the year.
“I was very critical of NASCAR’s car design,” Keselowski said. “And I tweeted as much on Twitter. So, if NASCAR wants to know who says they suck, I guess a little bird told them.”
8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Kentucky.
“The track at Kentucky Speedway was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “And the fresh pavement didn’t provide a wide enough groove for side-by-side racing. And that made for a boring race. The only racing seen was fans ‘racing’ to the exits.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth in the Quaker State 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing cars went 4-5-6.
“That’s right,” Hamlin said. “Matt Kenseth was the only JGR driver not to finish in the top 10. And, since Matt is likely not to be back with JGR next season, you could say he’s the odd man out. Because Matt is odd.”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer survived contact with Brad Keselowski early at Kentucky and salvaged a 13th in the Quaker State 400.
“The state of Kentucky is world-renowned for its bourbon,” Bowyer said. “You’ve got Jim Beam, Elijah Craig, and Evan Williams, just to name a few. ‘Clint Bowyer’ would be a perfect name for a new brand of bourbon. I think it would be the finest bourbon in the land. Now, I may be hyping it just because it has my name on, but that wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of intentionally ‘spinning.'”