Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Atlanta, leading 181 laps and winning Stage 1 on his way to the win in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.
“I just dominated a race,” Harvick said, “yet all I hear in NASCAR circles is talk of the Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud. I should be the one they’re talking about. Luckily, the use of Adderall is rampant in NASCAR, so I should be able to treat my ‘attention deficit disorder.'”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 26 laps and finished fourth at Atlanta.
“Harvick was unbeatable,” Hamlin said. “From the start, it was clear he was going to win. You could say Harvick’s chances were a slam dunk.
“And speaking of basketball, Darrell Wallace Jr. is out of my basketball and golf leagues, which, collectively, are known as ‘The Fores And Fives.’ We’ll survive. Darrell wasn’t much of a golfer anyway. As I said after Daytona, ‘His driving sucks.'”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Atlanta to Kevin Harvick, who dominated the weekend at the
“Fords took the top 3 spots,” Keselowski said, “and I couldn’t be happier. Last year, I complained when Toyota was dominating. Well, turnabout is fair play, and it’s time to celebrate with a cold beverage. No, not Miller Lite, but some wine, because everybody knows ‘wine-ing’ in NASCAR gets things done.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Atlanta to go along with his fourth at Daytona and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“This Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud has taken on a life of its own,” Logano said. “First, it’s about Adderall. Now, Wallace has been kicked out of Hamlin’s basketball and golf leagues. I propose they both be ejected from any and all debate leagues because this is the dumbest argument in the history of NASCAR.”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Atlanta and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“The threat of rain was imminent over the duration of the race,” Blaney said, “and was also the most exciting aspect of the race.”
6. Austin Dillon: The Daytona 500 winner finished 14th at Atlanta and is currently sixth in the points standings, 19 out of first.
“I considered getting a ‘Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500: 14th Place’ tattoo on my butt,” Dillon said, “on a day when clouds filled the sky. But I came to my senses, and decided against getting a tattoo where the sun don’t shine.”
7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s strong start to the season continued with a third in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.
“The NRA is scheduled to sponsor the Bristol night race in August,” Bowyer said. “Maybe by then, we’ll have this issue with pit guns solved. A lot of teams had an issue with pit guns at Atlanta. And that has a lot of people triggered.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home fifth at Atlanta.
“The No. 78 Toyota failed inspection three times before qualifying on Friday,” Truex said. “There hasn’t been such a level of failure in NASCAR since Jimmy Spencer took a physical back in 2001.”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Atlanta and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 21 out of first.
“Jeff Gordon said he’d be open to racing in the truck series at Martinsville,” Busch said. “That’s big news, for NASCAR, for Martinsville, and for Denny Hamlin, whose ‘pickup’ game is currently one person short.”
10. Kyle Busch: Busch led the way for Joe Gibbs Racing at Atlanta with a seventh in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.
“Austin Dillon and Kevin Harvick have the first two wins of the year,” Busch said. “So I guess the story so far this year revolves around two asses.”