Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch started 14th and finished third at Martinsville, posting his fifth top five of the season.
“I won the Trucks Series race on Saturday,” Busch said. “And speaking of the Trucks Series, a fellow named Myatt Snider’s truck is sponsored by Tax Slayer. Tax Slayer would have been better off with their name on a Cup car on Sunday, with a message to all race ticket holders that said, ‘You all deserve a refund.'”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Martinsville, leading 446 of 500 laps to win the STP 500.
“That’s three wins by the Ford Mustang this year,” Keselowski said, “all by Penske Racing. Toyota has won the other three races. Chevrolets are winless, and that’s
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth in the STP 500 at Martinsville, posting his third top five of the season.
“Martinsville has the best trophy in auto racing,” Hamlin said. “It’s a grandfather clock. In this age of cell phones, it’s nice to see a timepiece with a little antiquity. I think all fans should spend an afternoon watching a grandfather clock operate. Only then could they truly appreciate Sunday’s race.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Martinsville and finished 19th.
“Brad Keselowski and Chase Elliott were the class of the field,” Logano said. “The other 34 drivers were relegated to spectators, which sucked, because this race was awful for spectators.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth in the STP 500 and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“We had SiriusXM sponsorship on our Toyota Camry at Martinsville,” Truex said. “That’s a partnership that had been in the works for quite some time. So, not only could you see it coming, you could hear it coming as well.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Martinsville.
“I’m winless so far this season,” Harvick said, “but I’ve got five top-10 finishes already. So I feel like I’m making progress in each race toward finally achieving victory. That’s why my nickname is Kevin ‘The Closer And Closer’ Harvick.”
7. Aric Almirola: Almirola started second and finished ninth at Martinsville.
“Danica Patrick will be a studio analyst for NBC during the Indianapolis 500 in May,” Almirola said. “Word is her chances of winning the race are just as good as when she was driving.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 12th at Martinsville.
“For those expecting to see bumping and banging at Martinsville,” Busch said, “well, they were sadly disappointed. The only paint being traded at Martinsville on Sunday was between unlicensed tattoo artists in the campground.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 49 laps, but was no match for Brad Keselowski, who routed the field at Martinsville. Elliott settled for the runner-up spot.
“That was Hendrick Motorsports’ first top five this year,” Elliott said. “It’s not the ideal result, but, at this point, we’ll gladly take any victory, even if it’s simply a moral one.”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took fourth at Martinsville and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup standings, 70 out of first.
“Brad Keselowski won the race easily,” Blaney said. “He dominated in a way not seen in a long time. He ate the field for lunch like it was a Martinsville hot dog. In other words, true to the Keselowski heritage, Brad ‘Polish-ed’ them off.”