Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex assumed the lead on Lap 68 and held off Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch to win the Toyota Save/Mart 350.
“I knew I needed to keep Kyle behind me,” Truex said. “Nothing motivates me more than seeing his car in my rear-view mirror. I hate losing. And I hate losing to Kyle. I don’t know what I hate more: losing, losing to Kyle, or Kyle.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Sonoma as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Martin Truex Jr. took the win.
“After the last round of pit stops,” Busch said, “Truex had over an eight-second lead. I cut that down to nearly a second. So, I at least made it interesting. Needless to say, NASCAR as a whole could use a lot more Kyle Busch’s.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano suffered battery issues at Sonoma and finished 23rd.
“Battery issues can be very depressing,” Logano said, “but you can’t let it get you down. Much like a good battery, I like to stay positive. And motivational words always help. I like to say, ‘Charge!'”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Sonoma.
“Roger Penske is being awarded the Medal Of Freedom by President Donald Trump,” Keselowski said. “Does this mean Roger is the next member of Trump’s cabinet? Probably not. In any case, at least Roger’s trophy room just got a new ‘cabinet’ member.
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s engine blew on Lap 61, leading to a disappointing 37th-place finish at Sonoma.
“The road course at Sonoma is very taxing on an engine,” Elliott said. “My engine was exhausted. You could tell because ‘it left it all on the track.'”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Sonoma
“How about Matt DiBenedetto?” Harvick said. “He passed Jimmie Johnson and myself late to claim fourth place. Between Jimmie and I, there are eight Cup championships. Matt could very well be the next ‘big name’ in this sport, but only because his last name has a whopping five syllables.”
7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took Stage 2 at Sonoma and ultimately finished fifth, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 10, with Martin Truex Jr. and Kyle Busch going 1-2.
“Joe Gibbs Racing boasts quite the stable,” Hamlin said. “Not only our drivers, but our engine department, as well. They even offer their technical expertise to other teams. It’s called the JGR ‘Stud Service.’ Satisfaction is guaranteed as soon as you hit the ignition. In other words, it’s a real ‘turn on.'”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Sonoma.
“This was Darrell Waltrip’s last race as an announcer on Fox,” Blaney said. “I think a lot of people are glad to see him go. His shtick was becoming a little tiresome. Maybe Fox told him to take a short walk off a long pier. Now, could someone please tell Michael Waltrip to take a ‘grid walk’ off a short pier?”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.
“Sonoma is in the heart of California’s wine country,” Busch said. “People there eat, sleep, and breathe wine. Me and my brother Kyle feel right at home here, because most people consider us ‘whine’ connoisseurs.”
10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th at Sonoma.
“Hendrick Motorsports put another car on the pole,” Bowman said. “William Byron qualified first, giving HMS six this season. It’s not quite a win, but it’s great for our confidence. Hey, we’ll take any trip to ‘small Victory Lane.'”