Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 159 laps, including the final 78, to win the Real Heroes 400 at Darlington. He leads the points standings by a point over Joey Logano.
“I’m holding my index finger high,” Harvick said, “because that indicates how many people will be at my victory celebration.
“But all I can really say is ‘Woo hoo!,’ which I’m told is where this Coronavirus thing started. And one thing is certain, if you’re going to say ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ out loud, you better be wearing a mask.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th in the Real Heroes 400 at Darlington. He is second in the points standings, one behind Kevin Harvick.
“The race in Darlington will be defined by the mask,” Logano said. “It’s NASCAR’s newest ‘SAFER’ barrier. If Kyle Larson shows up, he absolutely has to wear a mask, because he’s not allowed to show his face.”
3. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished second at Darlington
“I just signed a one-year contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports,” Bowman said. “It’s not really a long-term contract extension, but I’ll celebrate anyway, with these ‘(I Guess I’m) Wanted’ posters.”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted the top Toyota finish with a fifth at Darlington.
“Hopefully,” Hamlin said, “we can get back to racing with fans soon. I feel like my chances of winning improve greatly with thousands of people in attendance, as opposed to just my seven-year-old daughter in attendance.”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Darlington and finished 13th.
“I got the pole by virtue of a random draw,” Keselowski said. “My name was drawn, and someone said, ‘You’re P1 in Cup.’ Sometimes, a name is randomly drawn and someone says, ‘Your pee in this cup.'”
6. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home fourth at Darlington and is now fourth in the points standings, 40 behind Kevin Harvick.
“Congratulations to Kevin Harvick,” Elliott said. “He ran a heck of a race. I don’t mind complimenting Harvick. He’s a gracious winner, so I know he won’t rub it in our faces. Anyway, the current rules strictly prohibit that.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 16th at Darlington and is now eighth in the points standings.
“It’s great to get back to racing,” Blaney said. “It’s very weird racing in front of empty stands. But on the bright side, it gives fans the experience of actually being like a driver, because they were told to stay home just like Kyle Larson.”
8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 12th in the Real Heroes 400 at Darlington.
“I think wearing masks is important” Almirola said. “Without a mask, you can never really know what might go into your mouth. Or, in the case of Kyle Larson, come out of it.”
9. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto came home 14th at Darlington, and is now ninth in the points standings.
“This whole Coronavirus situation is unprecedented,” DiBenedetto said. “But for someone like Kyle Busch, however, nothing’s really changed. Even before Coronavirus, no one wanted to even be near him.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson crashed while leading with a lap to go in Stage 1 at Darlington and eventually finished 38th.
“I’ve now gone 100 races since my last Cup win,” Johnson said. “It seems like my current situation is defined more by ‘ago’ than ‘go.'”