Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson clinched a Championship 4 berth with a dominant win at Texas, leading 256 of 334 laps.
“I think I’m obviously the favorite to win the championship,” Larson said. “Just ask the people in Texas, ‘Do you think Kyle Larson will win the Cup? Yes or no?’ and they’ll tell you ‘yes.’ That’s called ‘The Ayes Of Texas.'”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin and Ryan Blaney made contact with 20 laps remaining, which led to a tire rub on Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota. The rub eventually caused a spin, but Hamlin was able to stay on the lead laps. He survived a later spin to finish 11th.
“I can’t tell you how many different cars I touched,” Hamlin said. “It was a lot. If you want an exact number, we’ll have to do some ‘contact tracing.'”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth in the Auto Trader EchoPark Automotive 500.
“That’s a lot of name for a NASCAR race,” Blaney said. “The word ‘Auto’ is in the name twice. Not surprisingly, the word ‘Echo’ is also in the title.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 1 and finished eighth at Texas.
“I’m fourth in the playoff standings,” Busch said. “Now, to use a tennis reference, I need to ‘hold serve’ at Kansas and Martinsville and I’m in the championship round. Now, if I ‘double fault’ at Kansas and Martinsville, I’m out.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex and Daniel Suarez got together late, which sent Truex’s No. 19 into the wall. Truex finished 25th, 14 laps down.
“As much as I’d like to blame Suarez,” Truex said, “I can’t. We’ll just have to chalk it up to a ‘racing incident.’ That being said, I’d still prefer that Suarez stay as far away from me as possible, especially on the track. His average finish says he’s more than likely to oblige.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano blew his engine with 34 laps to go and finished 30th in the Auto Trader EchoPark Automotive 500.
“Anytime you see that much smoke,” Logano said, “you know it’s not good, or some teenager is vaping.”
7. William Byron: Byron took second at Texas, as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kyle Larson took the win.
“My Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott has to start from the back after failing multiple inspections,” Byron said. “So, that’s two straight weeks in which he’s been ‘rear-ended.'”
8. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh despite having to make an early green flag pit stop due to a vibration.
“Texas Motor Speedway features ‘Big Hoss,'” Elliott said. “That’s the video screen that has over 20,000 square feet of display. When you see Kevin Harvick on that screen, it proves what I’ve said all along-he’s the ‘biggest’ baby in NASCAR.”
9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at Texas and is sixth in the championship standings.
“The Texas race lacked the drama of Charlotte’s Roval,” Keselowski said. “Sure, some people got mad, but nobody got fighting mad. But just wait. Martinsville is just down the road on the schedule. Everyone knows: short track equals short fuses. Four drivers will go down; one’s bound to go down swinging.”
10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Texas.
“NASCAR issued Chase Elliott and me a stern warning about continued action in our feud,” Harvick said. “They warned of ‘severe consequences’ if anything happens on the track. That leaves my options to retaliate very limited. Now, I guess the worst thing I can do to Chase is give him a lifetime supply of Hunt Brothers Pizza.”