Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron: Byron took the lead on lap 199 and held on for the win as Ross Chastain and Austin Cindric crashed as they approached the start/finish line.
“It was an awesome day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “I won in the No. 24 car that Jeff Gordon made famous. And Jimmie Johnson actually qualified for the Daytona 500. Just a few laps into the race, he was two laps down. So I guess you can say Jimmie’s doing much better than he was driving an Indy car.”
2. Alex Bowman: Bowman took second in the Daytona, giving Hendrick Motorsports a 1-2 finish.
“As Hannibal Smith of the ‘A-Team’ often said after foiling the plans of the enemies,” Bowman said, “‘I love it when a plan comes together.’ That’s also what Hendrick Motorsports said after me and William Byron worked together to cause a wreck and foil the plans of all the other contenders.”
3. Christopher Bell: Bell started second and finished third in the Daytona 500.
“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson served as Grand Marshal for Monday’s race,” Bell said. “I think what he should have said was ‘If you hear what The Rock is saying, then drivers, start your engines.’
4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and led a race-high 45 laps before his day ended as a casualty of the Lap 191 “Big One.” He finished 32nd.
“With Kevin Harvick now in the broadcasters’ booth,” Logano said, “my car now sports the Hunt Brothers Pizza in-car camera. And I always want to see what’s going on behind me, unless I recently ate some Hunt Brothers Pizza.”
5. Corey LaJoie: LaJoie grabbed an unlikely fourth in the Daytona 500.
“This was a great day for Spire Motorsports and Chili’s,” LaJoie said. “We didn’t win the race, so I guess dousing myself in champagne is out of the question. So with Chili’s in mind, my celebration will consist of taking a dump…..of Chili’s molten chocolate cake on my head.”
6. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished sixth at Daytona.
“I think if the final lap would have been under green,” Wallace said, “I think we had a good chance to win. That would have been a career-defining moment. I dream of driving a car into victory lane; my co-car owner Michael Jordan actually drove an NBA team into the ground in real life.”
7. Ross Chastain: Chastain had the lead when green flag racing resumed after a massive Lap 191 melee necessitated a red flag.
“I was totally ready to smash a watermelon,” Chastain said. “The drivers collected in that accident were ready to smash a steel chair, over the head of Alex Bowman.”
8. A.J. Allmendinger: Allmendinger overcame early-lap trouble at Daytona and methodically picked his way to a sixth-place finish in the 500.
“I think Netflix’s ‘NASCAR: Full Speed’ series gives fans a great look inside the lives of drivers,” Allmendinger said. “So they get to see that we say the ‘F’ word way more than we pretend not to.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott took Stage 1 and survived Lap 191’s “Big One” on his way to a 14th-place finish in the Daytona 500.
“I think all my fans can agree,” Elliott said, “that my right foot is best on the floorboard as opposed to a snowboard.”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was a factor at Daytona until a huge Lap 191 accident KO’d his chances for a 500 win. He finished 30th.
“I’m the defending Cup champion,” Blaney said. “That makes me the hunted, and not the hunter. It makes sense because my car was ‘shot’ after the race.”
