Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stages 1 and 2 and led 462 of 500 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.
“I think I sent a message to the rest of the field,” Larson said. “And I also sent a message to Max Verstappen. That message to Max was this: You may be able to ‘F’ in a press conference, but you can’t ‘F’ with me.”
2. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fifth in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.
“I clinched a spot in the Round Of 12 early in Stage 2,” Bell said. “That didn’t mean I took my foot off the gas. I had it floored, but it didn’t seem to matter, because Kyle Larson throttled everybody.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Bristol and secured a spot in the Playoffs Round Of 12.
“I really dug myself a hole in the first two playoff races,” Hamlin said. “Had I not advanced, that would have been convenient because I would have just buried my championship hopes.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano spun in Stage 2 running 12th, ending his hopes for a win, and finished 28th.
“Having already qualified for the Round Of 12,” Logano said, “I raced at Bristol with no pressure. So I had nothing to worry about, even when that loose cannon Austin Dillon was behind me.”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second at Bristol.
“You can best believe the folks down at the Dawsonville Pool Room were watching the race,” Elliott said. “And viewed through their beer goggles, they probably thought I won.”
6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe was strong all night at Bristol and recorded an eight, good enough to move him into the Round Of 12.
“Daniel Hemric’s No. 31 Chevy had Mountain Dew and Doritos sponsorship,” Bell said. “Is it really smart for those companies to advertise their product at a NASCAR race? I mean, most NASCAR fans already have those products. They call it ‘breakfast.'”
7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 20th at Bristol, easily advancing to Round 2 of the Playoffs.
“You have to be on your toes for 500 miles at Bristol,” Reddick said. “It’s a grueling race. When it was done, I was pooped. That’s better than what happened at Darlington, when after the race, what I said was ‘I pooped.'”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Bristol.
“They call Bristol Motor Speedway the ‘Last Great Colosseum,'” Blaney said. “Does that make us all gladiators? If so, I’m guessing the Romans would not have been entertained, because there was not a lick of fighting.”
9. Alex Bowman: Bowman started on the pole and finished ninth at Bristol. He advanced to the Round Of 12.
“I was actually able to clinch in Stage 2,” Bowman said. “So I didn’t have to sweat it out like some drivers. That’s not to say I didn’t sweat. I did. And me talking about my sweat was way more exciting than a race that Kyle Larson made sooo boring.”
10. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 14th in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.
“As far as tire wear goes,” Buescher said, “the difference in the Bristol spring and the Bristol fall race was like night and day.”
