Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 and held off Ryan Blaney in the closing laps to win at Phoenix and claim his third Cup championship.
“I’m already excited for next season,” Logano said. “If I win the Cup championship next year, I’ll likely be known as the ‘four-time, four-eyed champion.'”
2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 but came up just short in his quest for his second Cup championship, finishing second to Joey Logano.
“I was attempting to be the first back-to-back Cup champion since Jimmie Johnson in 2010,” Blaney said. “I don’t mind at all being mentioned in the same breath with Jimmie, as long as it’s the 2010 Jimmie and not the current Jimmie.”
3. William Byron: Byron finished third at Phoenix as Joey Logano won the race and the Cup championship.
“Congratulations to Joey,” Byron said. “That’s three Cup championships in the last seven years. I feel like me and all the other drivers should sue him for monopolizing championships.”
4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth at Phoenix, coming up short in his attempt to win his first NASCAR championship.
“Winning the championship would have been a great way to stick it to NASCAR,” Reddick said. “Especially after they revoked our charter after we sued them. But now I guess we’ll see how courts rule. I doubt we’ll win, especially because we’ll be facing a handpicked judge known as the Honorable Richard Petty.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Phoenix.
“It’s really been a trying year for me,” Hamlin said. “If I’ve learned one thing, it’s don’t sue NASCAR. That’s because NASCAR is omnipotent, which is probably because someone who runs NASCAR is impotent.”
6. Christopher Bell: Bell came home fifth at Phoenix.
“I think it was cool that everyone was able to say their goodbyes to Martin Truex, Jr.,” Bell said. “I apologize if I made that sound like Martin is dying; he’s not. Martin’s not going to be on death’s bed; he’s going to be on home’s couch.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th at Phoenix.
“The pace car hit the barriers trying to enter pit road at the start of Stage 2,” Bowman said. “That caused a red flag. I don’t know who was driving that pace car, but I bet he handed Juan Pablo Montoya a beer and told him to hold it right before that accident.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Phoenix as three Hendrick Motorsports cars finished in the top 8.
“It’s been a long season,” Larson said. “And I plan on having a quiet off-season. Which means I plan to do a lot of SIM racing and hope I can be quiet.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished eight at Phoenix, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.
“Noah Gragson’s No. 10 car has ‘Nitro Circus’ sponsorship,'” Elliott said. “I’m not really sure what that ‘Nitro Circus’ is referring to, but back at the Dawsonville Pool Room, ‘Nitro Circus’ is what happens when someone gets hold of some dental anesthesia and shares it with everyone at the bar.”
10. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Phoenix and finished 17th.
“It’s gonna be tough to walk away from this sport,” Truex said. “That’s why I’m not walking; I’m driving.”
