Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron: Byron dominated at Charlotte, leading 283 of 400 laps with three stage wins, but couldn’t hang on as Ross Chastain passed him for the lead with five laps remaining.
“Former Hendrick Motorsports legend Jimmie Johnson drove one of the pace cars at the Indianapolis 500,” Byron said. “It’s the closest Jimmie’s been to first place in a long, long time.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin battled up front for much of the night at Charlotte, but was forced to pit for fuel late and finished 16th.
“We just didn’t get enough fuel in the car on the previous pit stop,” Hamlin said. “Thus, my night was ‘tanked.'”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott ran consistently in the top 10 all night at Charlotte and came home sixth in the Coca-Cola 600.
“You may have noticed Jimmie Johnson in the No. 84 Carvana car,” Elliott said, “if you were looking at the very bottom of the scoring tower.”
4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished eighth in the Coca-Cola 600.
“The Monaco Grand Prix lasted one hour and 40 minutes,” Bell said. “The Coca-Cola 600 lasted three times longer. Therefore, it was three times as boring.”
5. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe started from the pole and finished third in the Coca-Cola 600.
“Nothing says ‘patriotism on Memorial Day’ like a car with the ‘Irish Spring’ paint scheme,” Briscoe said. “That’s what adorned Ryan Preece’s No. 60 car.”
6. Ross Chastain: Chastain started 40th and stormed to the front in the final laps, passing William Byron for the lead with five laps left and rolling to his first win of the year.
“I knew I had a car good enough to win,” Chastain said. “But I also needed luck, some timely cautions, and every bit of the race duration of 4 hours and 50 minutes to get to the front. That’s a long race. I’ve seen watermelons planted and ripened faster than that.”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson started second and survived an early spin, only to be caught in a lap 246 crash when he clipped the spinning car of Daniel Suarez.
“It was a tough day for me,” Larson said. “At Indianapolis, I spun and nailed the wall. At Charlotte, I spun and slid through the grass. On the day, you could say I hit everything but my marks.”
8. Joey Logano: Logano struggled all day at Charlotte and finished 17th, the last car on the lead lap.
“I don’t know who to blame,” Logano said. “Definitely not myself, but I’ve got two teammates to choose. Heck, why not. I’ll just blame both of them.”
9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick had a certain top 10 result foiled when he was nabbed for speeding exiting pit lane late in the race. He ultimately finished 26th, two laps down.
“This was Amazon Prime Video’s first NASCAR race,” Reddick said. “I believe the motto is ‘NASCAR On Prime: Now Proudly Funding The Sending Of Non-Astronauts To Space For Minutes At A Time.'”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney crashed out at Charlotte on lap 246 when he was mixed up in an incident involving Daniel Suarez and Chase Briscoe. Blaney finished 38th.
“That was my fifth DNF of the season,” Blaney said. “And speaking of ‘DNF,’ some Indy Car Penske employees ‘did not finish’ their final day at work.”
