Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stormed back from a flat tire that left him a lap down to win the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland. The win automatically qualified him for Round 2 of The Chase For The Cup.
“For the second consecutive race,” Truex said, “something became unraveled. This time, it wasn’t Tony Stewart.
“On a sad note, my car failed the post-race laser inspection. And I have to question to accuracy of NASCAR’s lasers. And when I say ‘lasers,’ I’m sarcastically using air quotes à la Austin Powers Dr. Evil.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Chicagoland and is now second in the points standings, one behind Martin Truex, Jr.
“Does a race sponsored by a television show called ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ really target the demographic NASCAR fans offer?” Keselowski said. “Maybe it does. NASCAR fans are not teenagers, or ninjas, or turtles, but they can often be classified as mutants.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took sixth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland, recording his 16th top-10 finish of the year.
“You read right,” Hamlin said. “This race was named after a turtle movie. But who’s surprised? This sport is all about sponsorship, so, in short, NASCAR was a shill for ‘shell.’”
4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Chicagoland, joining his Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski, who finished fifth, in the top five.
“I had a strong finish,” Logano said, “but more importantly, I didn’t run afoul of Matt Kenseth. But even more importantly, I didn’t run afowl of Ryan Newman. ‘Running a fowl’ of Newman means he calls you a ‘chicken.’”
5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 20th at Chicagoland after falling a lap down early when an untimely caution came as he was preparing to pit under green.
“I’m not sure there even needed to be a caution,” Harvick said. “There was a loose tire that came to rest in the infield. That tire was harmless, and a threat to no one, but it cost me. Just call it ‘burned rubber.’”
6. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland after rain washed out qualifying and finished ninth.
“That’s a solid start to the Chase,” Busch said. “I have a title to defend, and that title is ‘2015 Sprint Cup Champion.’ My older brother Kurt has a title he reluctantly defends, and that title is ‘douchebag.’”
7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.
“The Tony Stewart-Ryan Newman feud is not over,” Busch said. “Newman still appears to be pissed. You know, Newman has a B.S. degree in engineering from Purdue University. And if Stewart, likewise, had a B.S. degree, Newman would be fine with it, because Ryan doesn’t take no ‘B.S.’ from anyone.”
8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th at Chicagoland, the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver who failed to finish inside the top 10.
“We just didn’t have it,” Edwards said. “I was on the outside looking in. What was I looking for? Answers, of course.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in his first career Chase For The Cup race.
“I was on my way to the likely win until Michael McDowell blew a tire,” Elliott said. “That brought out the final caution, and that cost me the win. That just goes to show the fine line between winning and losing, and that is the moral of the story. In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, I lost by a ‘hare.’”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Chicagoland, his chances at a win ruined by a late pit road speeding penalty.
“I’m pretty sure I wasn’t speeding,” Johnson said. “I know because I haven’t gone ‘too fast’ since I won my last Sprint Cup championship in 2012.
“Dale Earnhardt Jr. is not in the Chase For The Cup. But that doesn’t mean he’s not relevant. Also relevant is his crew chief, because ‘Greg Ives Matters.’”
