Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and had a win in hand on the final corner, but was intentionally wrecked by Austin Dillon. Hamlin finished second.
“I’d like to sarcastically welcome Austin Dillon to the Playoffs,” Hamlin said, “and go ahead and wish him a fond farewell from the Playoffs after Bristol on September 21st.”
2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh at Richmond, posting his 12th top 10 of the season.
“I won the Knoxville Nationals on the dirt on Saturday night,” Larson said. “I like racing on any type of track. It just goes to show that I’m the best driver in NASCAR; that is, unless some bad news ‘surfaces.'”
3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished third in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.
“Austin Dillon was simply out of control,” Reddick said. “In his defense, he was just doing what Pop Pop told him to. But I think NASCAR needs to take a strong stand against this type of dangerous driving. I think it’s only fair that Dillon be suspended for the first three races of the Playoffs.”
4. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at Richmond but was nabbed for speeding on pit road in Stage 3. The drive-through penalty likely cost him the win and he finished sixth.
“Sometimes,” Bell said, “your car is so fast, you can’t help but go too fast. And sometimes, your car is so fast, NASCAR finds a way to penalize you just to make for a more competitive finish. And they definitely got what they asked for.”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 11th at Richmond.
“I had a pretty good view of the crazy finish at the front,” Blaney said. “And I think NASCAR’s ambiguous reaction to Austin Dillon’s actions can be described with two words that have dual meanings: ‘fair game.'”
6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth in the Cook Out 400.
“This was the first points race in which we had two types of Goodyear tires to choose from,” Elliott said. “There was the ‘prime’ tire, which is the harder compound, and the ‘option’ tire, which is the softer compound. It definitely made things much more interesting, for drivers and fans alike. You could say the tire choice has ‘compounded’ interest.”
7. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Richmond.
“Kyle Busch started the race with a wrap on his sprained wrist,” Byron said. “But he got some scissors in the pits and cut it off. I’m sure it still hurts though. So, Kyle is one driver who, should NASCAR decide to punish him, might actually be hurt by a ‘slap on the wrist.'”
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th at Richmond.
“NASCAR racing is back after a two-week break for the Olympic Games,” Bowman said. “Now it’s back to the gold, silver, and bronze NASCAR fans are accustomed to, which is Gold Bond, The Silver Bullet Coors Light, and bronzer for their fake tans.”
9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a blown engine on Lap 251 and finished 37th in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.
“My engine was ‘cooked,'” Truex said, “so I was ‘out.'”
10. Bubba Wallace: Wallace came home fourth in the Cook Out 400, recording his fifth top 5 of the season.
“Ross Chastain’s No. 1 car featured the image of a man in his underwear driving the car,” Wallace said. “It was the brainchild of Jockey, and obviously they overlooked the fact that they walked right into a cascade of ‘skid mark’ jokes.”
